Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Why I Don't Do Drugs, part II

Our hero, though walking resolutely through the Desert of Excruciating Prose, began to stumble. A dark cloud formed itself over his head, and an indistinct pressure began to take hideous shape. The Imagination Block is sheer boredom. Fiercer than a 4.6 headed dragon, more difficult to comprehend than the Worst Thing. A living being with only one purpose: mind mangling.

Our hero braced himself. He feared no one. The Imagination Block laughed a cruel and tasteless laugh. It pushed, our hero stood firm. It pushed harder. The hero felt a slight tremor. With a final heave, the IB pushed our hero straight through the ground. He found himself falling through absolute black. He fell and fell and fell, until he found himself in Further Than Far. To his delight, a beautiful maiden was not ten steps away. No, she was not beautiful. Beautiful is a bitter word when used for one who's star lights a kingdom.

"Hello hero."

"Ah maiden, you have destroyed me with your eyes."

Fortunately, our maiden is a sucker for theatrical and obviously untrue statements. She promptly fell for him, and her love shone like the setting sun on the earth above. Our hero...didn't think he had a chance.

"Wondrous maiden, do you know the way back to the Wortland? I would gladly stay here until time stopped counting, but above I have eaten leagues of fiery marsh wort. I will live in agony if I do not reach the Hall of Tall."

The maiden wept in sorrow, and her distress puzzled our hero.

"Yes hero, I will show you the way out, but if I were to ever leave my kingdom, my people would never know light again."

She cursed her beauty, so powerful was her love for the hero, and he wondered what she meant. With a fumbled goodbye, he began the climb to the Wortland. After a long time or a short time, it does not matter, our hero saw the light of day. As the maiden's directions were superb, he emerged on the far side of the Desert of Excruciating Prose.

IB was waiting.

"Well, hero, you've returned from Further Than Far. Return now, if you can." He swelled to twice his usual size, an unstoppable force.

At this exact moment of certain defeat, little Jimmy Brown of Memphis Tennessee received his first ever essay-answer quiz. He read the words, adjusted his glasses, and read them again: Describe in 500 words how Thomas Jefferson would have felt when he realized that his legendary hospitality had brought him to the poorhouse. Little Jimmy felt an inch high. Unbeknownst to him, Imagination Block now occupied the desk behind him.

Our hero watched IB vanish in front of his eyes. Relieved, he now had another problem. After Imagination Block's assault, he was lost in the Wilds of Wortland. The hero strained to remember the starlight maiden's words, and summoned by his efforts, clear and pure as a mountain spring, her words brought comfort.

"Left's as good as right. Right's as good as ahead. You must not go back, so it's straightforward."

"Wisdom from an ancient proverb," the hero murmured, and set out once more.

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