New Study Shows...

Dining table fork usage "good for you."

The test group were individuals from every area of life: truck drivers, executives, dentists. Lawyers were initially included, but they repeatedly failed out, which has spawned a separate study. When wired into the Neurotron 2012, the subjects demonstrated increased brain activity prior to bringing the fork to their mouth. This lead to the realisation that persistent fork activity was the mental equivalent of a massage.

But that's not the exciting part.

As the study progressed, the scientists were surprised to find that repeated fork usage appeared to enhance brain function. Whereas most of the individuals tested were incapable of seating themselves at the test table during the first phase of testing, 79% of the subjects are now capable of not only sitting, but of standing as well. The scientists believe that they are verging on discovering the "Walking Gene", which - I don't have to tell you - would be an astounding breakthrough.

Lars Reisinhell, Lead Researcher, had this to say.

"Pardon me. Could you repeat the question?"

He then expounded on their astonishment at this unexpected turn in their research. Breakthroughs like this are the peanut butter in the jelly sandwich of life. He suggested that by 2020 we may even be able to introduce the healthy "Walking Gene" into drinking water supplies, with profound, far-reaching implications.

Of course, every garden has its weeds. Dr. Reisinhell lamented the government's unwillingness to continue supporting his research. And I ask, if public funding is provided by the public for the public, shouldn't it be poured into worthy causes? If you would like to support this ongoing, cutting-edge research, please flood your local MP with email and letters demanding an increase in funding for this life-changing work.

Perhaps there are no more fitting words than Dr. Reisinhell's own.

"Oh, of course we didn't expect to even encroach on "Walking Gene". Initially, Gerry [Lars' research partner] and I had only hoped to extend our research grant. But as we watched the subjects progress. ... We, I, well, you can see."